


Nosebleeds

by theamberissubtle



Category: Little Witch Academia
Genre: Akko gets nosebleeds, Amanda is Amanda, Diana makes it her life's mission to find out why and makes it worse, F/F, Fluff and Humor, It starts off normal enough and descends into crackfic, Kissing, Loss of Virginity, Sucy is unhelpful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-21 22:46:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,554
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14295108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theamberissubtle/pseuds/theamberissubtle
Summary: Diana tries to get to the bottom of Akko's nosebleeds.Or Akko is like an actual anime character and gets nosebleeds whenever she has sexual thoughts.Diana unintentionally makes it worse, Sucy is massively unhelpful, and Akko should by right need a blood transfusion.





	Nosebleeds

The first time it happened, Diana was completing the innocuous task of returning all the unused vials back into cupboards after their Potions class.

She’d bent over to see if there was any more space on the lower shelves, her arms full, when Lotte exclaimed, “Akko!” with such panic that Diana almost dropped the vials, standing up and turning around so fast she feared whiplash.

Akko was holding a hand over the blood currently streaming from her nose, wailing, “I’m fine, it’s fine-” as Lotte pushed whatever rag she could find at her and Sucy looked at her friend knowingly, not doing anything at all to help.

Fortunately the classroom was empty, most of the class already heading to their next timetabled event, so it was only the four of them in the room and thus simple enough to do damage control.

Despite Akko’s reassurances, Diana marched over and leaned in to inspect the damage, figuring Akko punching herself in the face with her own wand was not an unlikely story.

It seemed that her close proximity was not helping however because Akko’s nose started streaming even more.

“Maybe you shouldn’t get any closer,” Sucy smirked, and Akko somehow managed to glare at her while in the process of shoving tissue up her nose.

Confused, Diana took a step back.

“Sorry, I get nosebleeds sometimes, nothing to worry about,” Akko babbled, waving bloody tissue in the air. “Totally fine. Nothing to worry about, really. Ha, see, it stopped. Diana, I’m really fine!” she yelped as the blonde witch made to move closer.

“You should go to the nurse at least, Akko,” Diana told her, very much unimpressed with her cavalier attitude.

Nosebleeds were fairly standard practice, true, but one could never be too careless when it came to their own health. Plus she’d never seen Akko have an incident before despite the girl’s words to the contrary.

“She did have one the other morning,” Sucy told Diana as though reading her mind, still with a glint in her eye. “They’ve been happening a lot more regularly. Since her birthday, in fact, haven’t they Akko?”

Diana looked at Lotte, who looked about as lost as she did.

Gritting her teeth, Akko insisted they all let her bleed in peace.

* * *

 

A couple of days after the first incident, Diana made her way over to Akko as they waited to be let into their first class of the day, still very much concerned.

Akko _was_ a klutz and she did spend an inordinate amount of time sprawled out on the floor, but nosebleeds were a different thing entirely, especially ones that occurred without reason.

“Good morning, Akko,” she greeted carefully for Akko had been rather skittish around her lately. “I trust you’re feeling better?”

Akko’s eyes widened upon seeing her, so much so that Diana felt inclined to check her face or hair for something amiss.

“Hi! I’m fine! Totally fine. I’ve got this under control-”

Diana rested a hand on her arm before she started babbling. Glancing down at the contact, Akko took a step backwards, and Diana didn’t have the time to react to that before -

“Hey, I like these shoes!” Sucy complained, moving away from the sudden puddle of blood spilling to the floor.

“Sucy, be nice,” Lotte scolded, quickly shoving a napkin into Akko’s hands. It looked like she'd had a lot more experience with her friend’s ailment because it had only taken her a few seconds to conjure tissues from her bag. “Here Akko.”

“Thanks,” she wailed, trying to stem the flow.

Diana raised an eyebrow at the whole scene, not sure what to do. It wasn’t a familiar feeling. Awkwardly, she put out a hand, not sure of her intent, but Akko looked so despairing at her attempts for contact that she quickly took a step backwards instead, completely mystified.

“I’m sorry,” she wailed to her fellow classmates, all of whom were watching her, aghast. “It’ll stop in a minute, I swear.”

“You’re becoming an expert after all,” Sucy grinned.

Akko glared at her past her wad of tissue. Lotte, still confused at their exchanges, looked to Diana with a shrug. “It happens quite randomly. She had one yesterday morning just after waking up, then at the end of Magical Astrology –you were talking to Professor Holbrook at the time, you must have missed us dashing to the bathroom-”

“Hair,” Akko muttered.

Diana and Lotte looked at her, confused.

Akko motioned to Diana’s hair. “Your hair... looked nice. It caught the sun and...yeah.”

Sucy snickered.

More confused than ever, Diana tried to ask another question, but Professor Holbrook had already started jostling them into the room, and Hannah and Barbara were suddenly chattering in her ear about borrowing her notes and scheduling afternoon tea and whatever else.

“Later?” Diana mouthed to Akko, hoping the other girl would understand her accompanying hand gesture to mean  _We’re getting to the bottom of this, don’t worry_.

It was meant to be reassuring. There wasn’t a magical ailment out there that Diana couldn’t uncover and fix. She was a Cavendish after all! Bolstered by her own resolve, she flashed a confident smile at Akko. The strangest thing happened, though.

Akko, whose nose had stopped freely oozing, stared a beat too long at her lips, no doubt trying to read them, then glanced into her eyes, turning as red as her tissue, before her nose started streaming again.

“Oh man,” Akko groaned, tipping her head back.

“You’re in for a long life,” Sucy called from her seat.

 

* * *

 

Despite all her efforts, Diana could not coax any information of worth out of Akko.

_Yes, they’re totally random, yep, yes, not caused by anything, I swear-_

Sucy, who seemed to know  _something_  judging by her glib comments and sly glances, ignored her line of questioning, too, but she didn’t seem concerned about her friend’s frequent blood spurts – at least not as concerned as Lotte.

She spoke to the quiet girl privately a few days after the first incident and asked her to keep on eye on Akko’s nosebleeds to see if they could establish a pattern. Meanwhile her plan was to observe her throughout the day as much as possible. Akko wouldn’t see a nurse, and Diana supposed she had a point when she said they wouldn’t take her seriously because her routine medical check had given her a full bill of health.

Not to be deterred, Diana had taken to accompanying the girl more places than she normally would, to keep an eye on her, and Akko seemed...  _flustered_  for lack of a better word.

Diana could not put her finger on it. Not on Akko's random nosebleeds, nor her skittish attitude towards her. Before this all started, they'd been spending more time together, and their friendship had been developing swimmingly. Perhaps a little too well if her sweating palms and escalating heart rates were anything to go by. Yet the nosebleeds had interfered with all that progress. Now they barely spent a moment alone together. 

As for the nosebleeds themselves... Well, they were frequent enough that Akko had started carrying around an extra shirt just in case she didn't have the time to go back to her dorm during the middle of the day.

She had one at breakfast that morning: all the teams were sitting together on one long trestle table, Diana across from Akko, and she had been eating a slice of jam on toast, licking her lips to dislodge the crumbs stuck to the corner of her mouth, when Akko whimpered and subsequently ruined her pancakes.

The next one occurred after Diana had hung back after Magical Linguistics to help Akko pack up her bag. Akko had showered praise upon her, calling her all sorts of superfluous names, making her chuckle from the sheer extravagance of being ‘a holy deity from heavens above’ and it all had been going so well, her heart pounding with fondness, and Akko looked pleased at being the source of her enjoyment before -

“My books,” Akko groaned, holding her nose. “That’s the  _third_  time.”

Diana sighed in sympathy and uttered a spell to clean the mess. Poor Akko. She truly had the worst timing. She couldn’t quite figure out the look Akko was sending her way as she helped her clean her things, but it made her stomach clench and heat creep up her neck. Before she could launch into another tirade about getting to the bottom of it all, Akko registered the fact they were alone together and bolted from the room.   
  
All this suspense was giving Diana a headache. 

 

* * *

   
The nosebleeds kept happening.   
  
Once it had happened when they were outside stretching to warm up for their weekly run around the castle grounds.

That one was a particularly hard nosebleed. It seemed to pour from her nose as though from a spout. Jokingly, Sucy tried to tip her like one before Akko shoved her away, shaking her fist comically. The next one, thirty minutes later, was equally bad: at the time Diana was lifting up her shirt to wipe her face free of sweat. One second she was surreptitiously dapping her forehead with her scrunched up t-shirt, and the next second Akko was being held upright by a panicked Lotte.

Sucy had nearly cackled herself into a coughing fit. Akko had all but jogged into the forest when Diana offered her shirt to stem the flow. Sports bras were standard uniform after all. It wasn't that much skin, honestly. It wasn't like she was in the habit of offering her clothes to people, but this was an emergency. As a Cavendish, it was ingrained into her to assist others, no matter the personal cost. She hadn't fancied stripping in the middle of the school grounds but no one else was offering any help! Not that it had gotten that far: Akko looked to be weak from shock and possibly blood loss. 

No one else seemed to have any ideas about her peculiar affliction, either.

Amanda’s theory was that she was developing magical brain cells and it was pushing out irrelevant bits and pieces in her body to create room. Like blood, she reasoned, finding it perfectly logical.

Professor Ursula  _was_  concerned when Diana, ignoring Akko’s wishes, went to her for help, but before an actual teacher could take the reins on the situation, Akko had begged for a private word. After that Professor Ursula didn’t seem quite as concerned. If anything she seemed amused and Diana could only guess at what they talked about.

Meanwhile Diana spent hours researching causes and cures in the library. Sometimes Akko was there, nervously glancing up from her own work every now and again. Sometimes she was dapping her nose, hissing at her own body for “betraying her so.”

Waving her wand to clean up Akko's books had become second-nature. 

It was driving Diana crazy! She had found nothing useful in her books; she’d written to three different scholars, magical and non-magical, she’d asked all the teachers – hypothetically – what could cause such an odd and yet frequent symptom and no one had told her a thing! Professor Pisces had laughed but waved her away, telling her it wasn’t her place to say. What on earth did that even mean!?   
  
It was now months since the first nosebleed in the classroom and she would not stand for it any longer. 

 

* * *

 

“Akko,” she said, ignoring a greeting and dropping into the seat opposite her in the emptying cafeteria. Cornering her after lunch seemed the best way to force this conversation. Akko couldn’t run from her questions forever, and she had a sneaking suspicion that she'd known all along what were causing her bleeds. What she _didn't_ know was why she hadn't told her. 

Professor Ursula, who had stopped by to discuss something with Akko, their voices low, patted the witch on the shoulder sympathetically and amusingly before leaving them alone. Akko cast a long look at her back, muttering _traitor_ under her breath.

Everyone was acting so strange in this castle.

Akko took a deep, resigned breath. “Diana,” she greeted. She met her eyes, clearly steeling herself.

Diana was ready. It was time. She was getting to the bottom of this mystery. It was finally time to force the issue. “You know why you have nosebleeds, don’t you?”

Akko slowly nodded.

“You won’t tell me.”

Akko looked torn, opening and closing her mouth several times.

“Sucy knows why, doesn’t she?” Diana kept prompting.

“Sadly yes,” Akko sighed. “She guessed.”

“I can’t figure it out!” Diana cried out, just stopping short of banging her fists on the table. “I’ve been looking for the answer for weeks, in all the textbooks I can think of. There’s no pattern to your bleeds, no recurring day, moment, weather, magical force or interference-”

“There’s always you,” Akko revealed nervously.

Diana trailed off. Her? She was giving Akko nosebleeds? That wasn’t possible...

“It’s not your fault. Or maybe it is. I suppose it depends on your perspective. I, um. Well. My family... It’s a genetic thing apparently. Boy was that an awkward conversation to have with my parents! I mean, they could've given me a heads up... Anyway. After my birthday, they started. Apparently when Kagari’s turn seventeen, they start to have nosebleeds. It’s, um, like a puberty thing brought on by...”

Akko was turning so red that Diana was worried for her.

“Brought on by?” she prompted.

"Sexual feelings,” Akko blurted out, glancing anywhere but her.

Oh.

Now, Diana was a smart witch. She registered that Akko had said the nosebleeds tended to happen around her, and now she was saying they were brought on by sexual thoughts.

About her.

Akko was having thoughts about her? Sex thoughts. S-e-x-ual thoughts.  _About her_. Diana was not proud to admit that her mouth hung open for a solid ten seconds while she worked it through in her head.

Akko, however, was waving her hands around. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to tell you and make it awkward but you were so concerned about me and spending so much time trying to figure it out – and let me tell you, you being concerned over me just made the problem worse – and I just had to tell you, I had to, I can’t live a lie any more!”

Akko looked at her desperately, hands frozen between flapping and reaching out for her.

“You...” Diana couldn’t find any words. Steam may have been pouring from her ears. “Every time?” she asked softly.

Akko sighed woefully. “Yes.”

“Even when I wasn’t around?”

Akko avoided her eyes again. “Yes. Dreams... Day-dreams.” Panicked, she said, “I really have tried to stop it, I’ve done all kinds of things, even meditation, but whenever I do I just...” Akko motioned to her nose. “Professor Ursula has been trying to help me control it but it’s not going very well. Being around you so much is... not helping.”

“Oh, Akko,” Diana breathed out, shock being replaced by affection.

She thought back on all the times she’d caught Akko’s nosebleeds: in lectures sitting elbow to elbow, standing a little too close in the corridors, studying together at night in the library, jogging around the castle – Diana’s eyes widened. That explained the heavier nosebleeds. Those outfits left little to the imagination. And, oh. Um. When she'd offered her shirt. 

She felt her body heat up and her skin tingle. All of this time Akko was attracted to her. It was flattering and impossible and the best possible explanation for something so odd.

Diana cleared her throat with the aim of cutting through the tension because as embarrassed as she was this must have been torture for Akko. Admitting to someone that you found them attractive was not unheard of, if a little bold, but telling someone you were so attracted to them you couldn’t hide it because your body had a visceral, uncontrollable reaction was something else entirely.

“Thank you for telling me,” she said, trying to be practical. The mystery was at last over. She waited patiently for Akko to meet her eyes. She tried to summon some confidence, if only to make the other girl feel better. “And...” She took a deep, daring breath. “If I suffered from the same affliction, I imagine I would've had my fair share of cleaning to do.”

She blushed. The words hung in the air. She didn’t want to take them back.

“R- really?”

Diana exhaled and smiled, relieved at her tone. “Really. Akko... I like you too.”

Akko let out the biggest grin. “Really!”

“For a while now I was too afraid to tell you, but considering the circumstances- Akko, your nose!”

Akko tipped her head back, cursing. “Typical,” she scolded herself. “Great, thanks Kagari gene. I could’ve been blessed with athletic prowess or mathematical genius, but no, I had to get the gene that makes your nose bleed whenever you’re horny – FORGET I SAID THAT.”  
  
And that like that, the atmosphere was charged. 

Amused, Diana did not let her off the hook. “That’s rather forward of you. ”

“Diana,” Akko whined, grabbing more tissues from her bag.

“So is this going to occur if I take you out on a date?” 

Akko leant forward on her chair with a bang. “A date?” she asked excitedly, shoving the tissue further up her nostril. “I can’t promise it won’t but my parents did say that if... the person you’re nose-bleeding over returns your feelings it will eventually stop. Well, quicker than it would ordinarily, it’s not meant to happen forever.”

Feeling a little reckless and silly, not to mention light-headed and hearted, Diana teased, “If we kiss, I won’t drown?” It was meant to be flirty but it dawned on her that it was a serious question.

Akko blinked and her nose started to bleed even heavier than before. “Stop it,” she begged. “I’m young and hormonal and your hair is – your eyes – gah, everything! Just wear a paper bag over your head and I’ll be fine.”

Diana laughed. She laughed and laughed. This was so ridiculous that she couldn’t help it.

Waves of tension were leaving her body; the resultant lightness and happiness were making her bold and a little crazy. But Akko was grinning too. They were flirting. For the first time since this whole mess started, she felt relieved and buoyant and in...

Love? 

That had been creeping up for a while.

But with the way Akko was looking at her, tissue stuck up both of her nostrils, bashfully trying to excuse herself for bleeding all over the table once again, Diana felt confident that that’s what it was. She loved Akko. She'd save that revelation for another day, though. She'd spent most of the last few months so preoccupied with discovering a cure for her friend's bizarre illness that she hadn't time to dwell on her feelings. If anything, she was miffed at their constant interruptions: they'd honestly not spent an afternoon together without Akko dashing off for the bathroom or a change of clothes. 

“So, about this date...” Akko prompted, wiping the table with her homework.

 

* * *

 

The novelty of the nosebleeds soon wore off, however.  
  
It was two weeks later, Akko had had a record-holding number of incidents, and the entire school knew they were dating.

Sucy had almost choked on her own laugher three separate times, and Lotte was considering creating a swatter so that she hit the other girl without extending effort.

Apparently the nosebleeds did get worse before they got better.

Akko was working with Professor Ursula everyday to practice calming magic.

Diana was concerned, frustrated, flattered and nervous in equal measure. She didn’t want to be the cause of the problem, but it was buoying to think her girlfriend found her so attractive. Practically all the time, in fact. Akko wasn’t lying when she said it didn’t take much to cause her nose to stream. And she supposed it was a thrill when Akko would stand up in the middle of a lecture and declare she needed the bathroom, glaring at Diana as though it was her fault on the way out of the door. Day-dreams indeed. She was rather grateful her own weren’t so obvious.

At first she felt unreasonably smug (rather unbecoming of a Cavendish). For such arrogance, she permitted herself a couple of days, because it was truly flattering. Besides, it didn’t stop them from enjoying time together, or for Diana to take her on that date.

She'd actually worked up the nerve to kiss her, pent up with nervous energy after their lovely afternoon (not one drop of blood on either of them, and it had been a close call, Akko hunched over the Luna Nova lake, downwind) and Akko had been so shocked and elated that she hadn’t immediately started to gush. Until it caught up to her five seconds later that she was “making out with the girl of my dreams, gosh Diana, how did you expect this to go?”  
  
Needless to say, the day-to-date realities of dating a girl whose nose bled profusely at the slightest inappropriate thought or feeling soon tired. 

A couple of weeks after their first kiss, Akko was all but ripping her hair out, another shirt ruined by her nose’s penchant for enacting a bloody massacre.

“Surely I can’t have this much blood left in me,” she complained, leaning back on her chair, surrounded by their friends at lunch. 

“You should just have sex,” Amanda told them, waving a forkful of mashed potato. “That’d fix it.”

Akko’s nose bled for five more minutes after that.   
  
Diana couldn’t even dismiss the suggestion. Or bother to blush. At this point nothing would surprise her.

 

* * *

 

Saturday night found Akko anxiously pacing around Diana's dorm, fidgeting with her hands.

“Why am I this...” Akko waved a hand at herself. She looked at Diana, who was sitting demurely at her desk. “Do you feel...” Frustrated, she flopped down on the bed, hands over her eyes.

Diana fidgeted slightly. She understood perfectly. The honest answer was, “Yes. I do. You’re very ... I like you a lot, stop smiling like that! I’m willing to bet a majority of the people in this castle feel like this. It’s just unfortunate that we’re privy to every flicker of your mood.”

“You’re telling me,” Akko sighed, staring up at the ceiling grumpily. “All I want to do is kiss my girlfriend without drowning her in blood.”

Diana tried not to swoon, truly. But that was the stage she was at: swooning because her girlfriend was moping about finding her so attractive.

She nudged Akko to the other side of the bed and lay beside her, letting a hand rest on her stomach as she snuggled into her shoulder. It was risky but so be it. She’d had to wash the blood out of her hair before, when Akko had rolled on top of her during one of their heavier make out sessions and she’d lost all the restraint her calming magic practices were teaching her after her leg slipped between Diana’s thighs and she’d let out a reflexive moan.

Nothing killed the mood like your girlfriend scrabbling off you gushing blood all over the bedspread.

“That was the hottest thing that has ever happened to me,” Akko complained at the time, returning from the bathroom ten minutes later, shirt completely ruined. “I really did think I’d need a blood transfusion after that one.”

 

* * *

 

As promised, however, the nosebleeds did subside.

Perhaps it had something to do with her sessions with Professor Ursula. Perhaps she’d gotten better at controlling her hormones. Perhaps three months was enough time for the Kagari gene to suitably punish its host.

Diana had developed a second nature for knowing when she was about to be covered in crimson; she managed to pull away at just the right time, and Akko would look at her so despairingly that she almost felt guilty. Almost. Because Akko would then bleed everywhere, and it amused her to no end that her girlfriend was still so surprised to find her nose streaming. 

Things were looking up, however. One day it was a problem, Diana pushing her out of the broom closet and Akko wailing apologies about ruining Diana's socks, and then the next day...

“I’m gonna kill my parents,” Akko vowed. “I’ve had so many uncomfortable conversations since this whole thing started.”

Diana kissed her again, because she could.

Akko wrapped her arms around her and thoroughly explored her lips with her tongue. “This will not get old,” she said breathlessly, happily leaning back in to pour every ounce of desire into their embrace. They were thoroughly caught up in one another. They'd been kissing constantly for a few minutes, testing the waters, and so far Akko's nose had behaved like a nose should. Namely, by not bleeding. Instead she could smell Diana's scent and it was driving her steadily crazy. 

“Oh.”

Professor Ursula stopped still on the stairs and Akko and Diana broke apart, Akko looking rather sheepish. In hindsight, being so impatient to make out with your girlfriend that you paused on the very public stairs was not one of their more inspired ideas. 

“Um. My nosebleeds stopped, Professor.”

“Ah.” Professor Ursula was clearly trying not to smile. “Making up for lost time, then?”

Akko blushed so red that she automatically checked her nose.

“Pro – fess – sor,” she sounded out, but figured her teacher was owed a comment or two after listening to her grumble about her problem for months on end.

Diana stared at her feet, unable to stop smiling. It had been a long few months. She hadn’t the energy to be embarrassed. 

“That’s fantastic news, Akko. You’ve come a long way.”

“I know! I can totally stare at Diana now without ruining my uniform.”

Scratch her previous thought. Diana winced because Akko still had a knack for making things worse. That was ludicrously suggestive.

“Um. Never mind, forget I said that,” Akko said quickly.

“I’m going to leave now,” Professor Ursula said, wisely choosing to ignore her. Before disappearing completely, she asked, a little hesitantly, “Do you still want to practice calming magic?”

Akko cast a side-eye at Diana, hopping from one foot to the other. “Yes.”

Diana glanced at her, a little surprised.

“Look, I might not have the nosebleeds any more, but all this kissing and stuff-” She blushed deeply. “I’m getting even worse feelings now that we’re doing this without stopping-”

“I’ll see you at seven then!” Ursula called out, speeding up before she heard anymore.

She looked back to Diana and cleared her throat.

Diana looked back at her, heart pounding. “Perhaps... There’s a different approach we could take.”

 

* * *

   
“Wow.”

“You’ve said that twenty-two times. I’ve been counting.”

“I might say it a hundred times more. Wow, Diana!”

“I can’t disagree with that assessment.”

“Oh, come on, I rocked your world, you can say it.”

“I was lead to believe that first times were not meant to be quite as enjoyable, so credit must be placed accordingly-”

“You turn weirdly formal after sex.”

“ _Akko_.”

“What, that’s what you’re embarrassed about? Literally five minutes ago my fingers were-”

“That’s enough,” Diana blushed, pulling the sheets to her chin.

“Wow,” Akko grinned, turning to face her and flinging an arm over her waist with absolutely no finesse.

Lips twitching, Diana shuffled closer to her, entwining their bare legs in the process. “Wow indeed.”

“That’s better,” Akko teased. She took a deep, content breath. “This is the greatest day of my life.”

“I agree with that assessm – Um, me too.”

Diana let her fingers tangle in Akko’s hair, enjoying how utterly relaxed her body felt. The other girl hummed into her neck, stroking the soft skin of her stomach.

It was unbelievably perfect.

“It’s quite a weird story, isn’t it? I get nosebleeds because I literally can’t control myself around the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen, then that girl unknowingly makes it worse and makes me fall in love with her, then we date – which, again, the nosebleeds ruin – and now they’ve stopped and this happened and it all feels worth it. A romance for the ages. They should write a NightFall book about it.”

Diana blanched. “You’re... in love with me.”

“And you’re meant to be the smart one,” Akko scoffed, pulling her even closer. 

“I love you too,” Diana whispered.

The grin Akko sent her was worth every nosebleed, every ruined date, every bit of teasing from their friends.

“So, since we’ve done it once...”

“Twice,” Diana corrected automatically.

Akko’s eyes glazed over. Diana waved a hand in front of her face.

“Ah, right. Yes. Um.”

Diana leaned in and kissed her instead. Akko sighed contently and rolled on top of her, holding herself up with both hands beside Diana’s head. She was just starting to lose all conscious thought when -

“AHA!” Amanda yelled, bursting through the door with Sucy, Lotte, Hannah and Barbara in tow. “FOUND THEM.”

“AMANDA!” Akko squawked, yanking the covers almost off the bed in shock.

Sucy snickered, Lotte looked like she wanted to fade into the wall, and Hannah and Barbara looked oddly proud at their leader tangled up in bedsheets, hair in complete disarray.

“What on earth are you doing?” Diana hissed at the crowd, a little convinced she was hallucinating.

Amanda merely smirked. “Akko, your parents called.”

“Huh, what? My parents?”  
  
In her surprise, she almost let the blanket slip, and she tightened her hold. Diana furtively glanced for her misplaced clothes, hoping to force them onto her body by sheer will. Either that or for her mind to dissociate completely from what was happening because surely she was not seeing five other people in the room right now, talking about Akko's parents. 

“Yeah,” Amanda chortled. “They said... They said that...” She started to laugh. “That...”

"What?” Diana barked.

“You’re going to sparkle,” Lotte told them both, trying to make it seem like they were having a normal conversation. “They called Professor Ursula and we all happened to be nearby and overheard so we volunteered to come and tell you that... after the nosebleeds stop and you, um, lose your virginity, you literally sparkle for a while. They were just calling to check up on you and I guess Professor Ursula told them that your nosebleeds had stopped, and I think they guessed that you might... You know. Because you've been dating Diana a while.”

“THEY NEVER TOLD ME THAT!” Akko wailed, looking at her own body beneath the covers. 

“I don’t think they ever expected you to get a girlfriend,” Amanda said gleefully.

“So much for the best day of my life,” Diana muttered, laying back down on her pillow, beyond humiliated.

Aghast, Akko looked at all her friends helplessly. “And how many people exactly know about this?”

“It’s not unheard of for witches to sparkle after doing the deed,” Sucy explained. “Rare enough, though. Your weird non-witchy body must be in shock at being so close to someone whose genes have powerful magical heritage. If your genes are already predisposed to the nosebleeds, it seems natural that this would happen, too.”

Diana sighed. “She’s right. I’ve heard of this. It’s so rare though...” Of course Akko would have this happen to her on top of everything else. Of course.

“Sorry?” Akko said sheepishly. Then she turned to the rest of the group. “I’m kind of naked here. Can you all leave?”

Lottle nodded quickly and headed straight out. Hannah and Barbara raised an eyebrow at Diana, practically bursting to say something, but they too giggled and left. (Diana knew she’d never hear the end of their teasing.) Sucy, taking her time, cackled again and followed the others out of the door, and Amanda was last.

“I’ve got to say I’m impressed you had enough game to get laid, Akko-”

“AMANDA-”

But the other girl was already gone.

Akko sighed and fell back dramatically. “Stupid Kagari gene.”

Diana couldn’t disagree. She was never meeting Akko’s parents. And now she had a sparkling girlfriend to contend with, so everyone would know they’d had sex. Perfect. Wonderful. She wondered if she could learn a mass forgetful spell by morning...

Then again. There was always a bright side. 

"I guess it won't matter if we do it again," Diana reasoned. 

Akko sat bolt upright. "Really!?"

"Why are you so shocked?"

"Because I seem to ruin everything, even without meaning to, and now that I'm going to sparkle I guess I thought that you'd want to take some time away from me..."

"Your logic is flawed," Diana sighed, realising that she  _was_  strangely formal post-coitus. "It wouldn't make a difference if I left you alone or not. And I don't want to spend time apart from you, sparkling or not. I haven't just lost my..." She waved vaguely, a little embarrassed. " _You know_ , to spend time away from you."

Akko looked at her in awe. "Okay, it's back to being the best day after."

Diana smiled, inching closer to drag a fingertip up her arm. 

Akko cleared her throat. "So."

Eyebrow raised, Diana waited. 

"Wanna make me sparkle some more?" she grinned cheekily. 

Diana would later curse herself for acting upon the worst pick-up line she'd ever heard. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Thank you to everyone who's left a review on my previous stories, I appreciate every one. This one was certainly a downward spiral into the very, very weird.


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